You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
