dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Barsexuality is the new black.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
