i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
