Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
