actually, I'm a sock model
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
