A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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