I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
