I wish I could punch you in the face.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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