Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
