Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
