so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
why does every cop we meet know your name?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
