the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She's the barista slut.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
the night ended with taco bell and tears
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
