You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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