whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
