Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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