He felt like a one man threesome
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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