ugly people sure do ruin things
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
