The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I understand Curling. That high.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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