i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
