i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
