I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
