Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
