No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
