apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
