just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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