I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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