The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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