I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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