Porn is love you can see.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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