So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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