yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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