I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
