You really coming over, don't trick.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
