I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
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Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
whose parrot is this?
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my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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