i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
