Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
