My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
