he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
