If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
