I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
