you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
