you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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