I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
