New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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