I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
