I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
We have started to decorate penises.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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