Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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