Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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