That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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