So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
