You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
