broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
