dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
